*****WARNING! VERY LONG POST*****
I said would never do this, but just feel I need to get this out! So here it is...
Let's back track a little shall we...I was with my son's father for about 10 years (on and off). We had little man five years into the relationship. We met back in college, and I was the one that was too forward. I had talked to my friend about him so much that she decided to go tell him, and I did nothing to stop her. If not for my son, I would curse that day, but God has been good.
Anyways, we were together on and off for a while, and I supported him through a lot. And as remember it, he offered no support to me at all. Can't remember a single time.
Back in 2006, we decided to give things one final go. As far as I knew, everything was going great. In the time we were together he got a decent job and I was ecstatic as it meant I would finally have some financial support from him, right? Wrong! Flash forward a little to Easter period 2007, my family were going to Naija for my cousin's wedding. I thought it was the perfect opportunity for him to see my country and meet my extended family (I don't know why I thought that because he'd shown very little appreciation for my family that he had met so far).
He decided to come, so I was surprised when I asked him for some of our son's ticket money, that he was reluctant. It was like I was begging him. So I didn't dare ask for money for our son's immunisation. That would have been pushing it.
Anyways, we went to Naija and I noticed a change in him whilst we were there, but I shrugged it off for the most part. We got into a few arguments, but nothing major.
We came back to London and he was still acting strange. I couldn't figure him out. A couple of days after we'd been back we had a biggish argument, played it cool whilst his family came round. I cooked for everyone, they all ate, then left. Then he told me it was over. I can see it now, but didn't see it coming at the time.
Anyway, I made a fool of myself, trying to reason with him, trying to fully understand what I'd done. He said I was too aggressive and argumentative. He called me all sorts of names, including a gold-digger - because I'd invited him to Naija and then expected him to have to put his money down. So he expected me to foot the bill for everything?! N.B. I only asked him for money towards little man's ticket, today, in my right sense, I would expect him to pay for all three of us! Imagine! LOL!
He was adamant that God had told him that I was not the one for him (this was the second time he'd said such, previously he came back and said he'd missed God). God I thank You for revealing this to the one that was ready to receive this word! He said he needed to leave me to have a closer walk with God because I was a hindrance of some sort (so I no be God's child too abi?) He was going to do God's work and I wasn't in the equation.
This guy had done so much to break me down. During that relationship I lost so much confidence, I just disappeared. I was a shell of my former self. During our relationship we had both become born again and joined a church. He used every opportunity to try to control me with the Word of God. Not allowing Holy Spirit to do His work in me. He was God's mouth-piece, His right -hand man, the deliverer of God's will! Smh. He even once told me that God told him I wasn't his wife (we were engaged at this point), and God had showed him who his wife was (a fellow church member, who knew nothing of this revelation by the way). Oh the things I could tell you. The things I allowed myself to be subjected to. One of the things that irks me now is that this guy was so smooth in everything he did to oppress me. He appeared to be such a gentle guy who wouldn't hurt a fly (yeah, he didn't hurt a fly, it was me he was slowly destroying). He would generally speak softly and anything he said was a matter of fact. He had a scripture to back up everything. He knew the bible back to front. And my disagreement was me being argumentative and aggressive. Smh!
[Kai! Flash back! I remember when I was in labour (Chineke God!) and he told me to stop pulling faces as I looked ugly. Kai!!!! I don suffered o!!!! Heiiii!! That's how low my confidence was, I didn't even respond in anger. If na today a for don knock him out with one GBOSA!! Mscheeeewww!]
Smh.
I would like to say he just left or I just evicted him, but I didn't. He had to find a place to live so I gave him a four week notice period. The hardest four weeks of my life! The atmosphere in my home was so unbearable. When it came to week three and I could see him making no attempts to move (dude was taking my kindness for a weakness) I set him straight and reminded him of the date (angrily of course) and warned him that if he wasn't gone by said date, he would find all his belongings outside!!!
He got the message and left on the agreed date.
I just dey look am. I cried to my God, prayed to my God, was mad at my God, the pain was too much at times. I questioned my God, fought with my God, distanced myself in anger from my God. Man, I went through the motions. I experienced every emotion. Would even cry in my sleep! I mean wake up with dry tears on my face. Then one day I said "God, let Your will be done!" That's when God showed up. (If I knew it was that easy, I could have saved myself a whole lot of tears. Lol).
Ok, flash forward four plus years since then, he's moved in with his girlfriend, got her pregnant, and then married her (yes, in that order, shocking for a man who left to walk so close to God don't ya think? Hmmm.)
Anyway, I changed. Those who knew me before the ex, said, I had returned to being the Buki they knew back in the day. Those that had only met whilst I was with him said I had changed! (Cue J.Hudd, ~I Am Changing!~ Lol). That's when I realised how oppressed I had been.
My family was elated!!! I had my fire back! I was alive again!
Ok, so, my wonderment tonight is this, my ex and I have been apart for four plus years now, and apparently both moved on. But I cannot understand his issue with me. He is constantly angry when dealing with me, to the point that all our communication is still by text. He has told me on numerous occasions that he can't stand me (ok, who really cares oh "man of God"?) and he's not my friend (I've long realised that now). For someone who didn't want anything to do with me, moved on, and should be happily married there's just too much anger.
Is it because he thought I would never get up from the crumpled state he left me in? Could it be that he can't take the glare of my widely spread wings? Could it be that he thought he'd finished me off to the point that no other would ever see anything in me?
Oh well! If God isn't finished with you, no man can finish you! There is light after dark. Though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning!
Yesterday I sent him a text letting him know enough was enough, there was just no need for all this animosity. It had to end. His response? Unfortunately, it wasn't a surprise. Same old same old. So I'll just leave it there and let God deal with him. He is after all His child.
I'm not going to pretend that I was like "whatever, I'm over you" because for a while I really wasn't. I was just hurt. But eventually, the hurt turned to anger, then to hatred, then indifference, until now, when I can honestly say I've dealt with it. I'm good.
So many good things have happened to me since that relationship ended. No lie! I've bought my own home, renovated it (still a work in progress though ;)), studied to do what I'm passionate about (wedding planning :D), and I'm a much, much better mum!!!
Don't know why I went there, but I did. My message to anyone going through anything remotely similar, just know that this too shall pass. You will smile again, be yourself again, love again.
Not that the answer is in a new relationship. Not necessarily. It's in relying on God! Turning to Him and surrendering to Him. I'm just so grateful to God that He's shown me another way. Showing me that I'm lovable. I'm mostly grateful to God for removing me from such a destructive relationship. Honestly, had it not happened the way it did, I may very well still blindly be in that relationship. If a man (or woman) is done with you, God can provide a better (correct) one! The bottom line is God knows best, and He will never throw you away! As long as there's life in you, be sure to know that He still has things in store for you!
The past four years have been a revelation of God's love for me!
Don't let anybody finish you!!!
Good night (oops, it's morning now lol) and God bless.
xx
